Lately I've found myself in a rather strange place emotionally. Ever since my last relationship fell apart with little to no explanation except that "long distance doesn't work," I've been struggling emotionally. And that struggle manifested itself in many different ways - not the least of which was in repeated hurtful tirades towards my mother. I'm embarrassed to say that it took me quite a while to see that the way I was behaving was not only hurtful, but also entirely uncalled for. Fortunately, a mother's love is one of the universe's most amazing things and I've come to be in a really good place with my mom again.
Why it took me so long to work through things, I'm not entirely sure. I place most of the "blame" on the fact that at about 1/3 of the way through my 29th year I'd thought I'd found "the one." And then about 1 1/2 years later things were over with him and I was left completely heartbroken. Wounds heal though, and despite the fact that I still think of him from time to time, I have healed.
I've never been the girl to go from boyfriend to boyfriend, relationship to relationship. While I honestly believe I have a lot to offer, I've been less than lucky when it comes to love. More than once, someone has joked that I must lack the proper pheromones to attract a good man...and they might be right! Despite my limited, true relationships, I'd always thought that surely someday Mr. Right would come along. I'm not saying that I don't hope that'll happen someday, but I've also come to accept the fact that it's not guaranteed either. And I'm learning to live with that idea...
I have a lot to be thankful for: a family that loves me, good friends (even if they don't all live in my city), a good job, a roof over my head, and arguably the cutest dog in the world (the picture was as a puppy...isn't she adorable?!?).
But I digress...I'm sure there are plenty of very happy, fulfilled individuals that made it through life without finding someone to share their life with, right? So that's what I'm trying to do. Instead of dwelling on the more than occasional bout of loneliness that comes from living alone with just a dog for company, I'm trying to focus on the good. I'm putting a smile on my face even if I don't always feel like it. I'm finding the friendship I'd lost with my mother. And I'm planning to LIVE life again! I have a passion for travel, but I kept telling myself that until I was with someone I wouldn't be able to indulge that passion. Well, screw that! This spring, there's a good chance I'll be heading to Italy and meeting up with a few old friends from high school. And while I'll be traveling there alone, when I meet up with old friends, I'll be reminded that a person isn't defined by the romantic relationship they have, but rather by the life they choose to live - their character and spirit that speaks to the world.
I promise to be more light-hearted next time, but thanks for reading! Here's to a revival of spirit!
Personal posts are the best posts. Otherwise, a blog would be a news source. Sometimes people shy away from acknowledging them because of tender issues. I am, fortunately, completely blind to that and will dive right in and make a fool of myself.
ReplyDeleteI am quite sorry to hear about your mother-daughter relationship. I know the feeling of realizing when you've been a jerk to someone close. It sucks.
I had the realization with both of my parents, after being an absolute terror to raise, I realize that my angst toward them was unfounded. It's kind of humbling, really.
A person should not be defined by anything but what they are. Society, however, regards such outliers with disdain. It makes one wonder when societal values went off the rails.
I'm not sure what to write here. Relationships are a complex, personal, ritual. A ritual not intended for outsiders. Regardless, you are a stronger individual than you know. It's easy to let these sorts of things harden and cool one's heart. Kudos for persevering.
[insert uplifting speech here.]
Ok. I have some coffee in me now, enough of the zen-like, Hallmark greeting card generalizations.
You should travel. Wait for no one. You do what you want. People who want to be with you will follow. Living life for yourself is the only way to be. Yes, this is all very Atlas Shrugged/Ayn Rand Objectivism, but it's not wrong.
Anyway. Here's to more Pinnacle Whipped and Strawberry soda. Cin Cin!
Nathan, as always I really appreciate your response and thoughtful words. You're 100% right - it was a very humbling experience to recognize that the tension between my mother and myself was entirely my doing. And working back to a good relationship has been easier than expected given my uber-bitch behavior!
ReplyDeleteAs suggested, I will wait for no one to travel and do what I want! Thanks for being a good friend. :)
And now...I'm thirsty!